I wish I could take my words back

My original journal entry from this morning.

I recognize the weight my words carry, especially the ones I’ve carelessly said towards my loved ones. It shocks me when they mention something I’ve said years ago and express how much it still hurts them to this day. As selfish as it sounds, I don’t even remember saying it or the damage I caused. I know in my heart of hearts that I never intended for it that way. But you can still hurt someone without intentionally realizing it. I carried on with my life not taking in the cause and effect of my words.

I know I’ve said harmful things in the heat of the moment. Looking back on my childhood, it’s always been like that… it was easier for me to cave into my anger, into my disappointment, and to blame something other than to accept the harsh reality of that significant situation.

I’m astonished by how long I’ve tolerated this ugly trait of mine. All these years I thought I grew and changed, which in fact I have, but so far from done. I need to actively and mindfully unlearn my ways. Forget how I learned to be this way in the first place, I can always go back to my history and pick it apart. What I can work on now is the present me. I can never “take back” those words I’ve said and I must live my life knowing I’ve said it and take responsibility for having done so. I have a choice in the words I say, the choice in how I react and the choice in how I respond.

This is my way of holding myself accountable and to remind myself to always think before I speak. To remind myself to really acknowledge the other person; walk a mile in their shoes and empathize with them. Caving into anger has always been a challenge for me, and if I’ve ever said anything harmful to you – I am deeply sorry. I am no longer that version of me, and I never intend to go back. I aspire for my higher self, my better self each day, and it’s only growth from here.