Knock Knock

Illustration by Jean Denise.

Imposter’s syndrome is something I’ve battled a lot through my life. There’s this existential fear that weighs on you every day, that everyone will experience this a-ha moment and realize that you’re not as great as they think you are. You watch other people at your job doing the work and you think to yourself that it’s only a matter of time before they discover your secret and kick you out to the street.

I’ve felt this way in bursts over the last four years. These moments of extreme self-doubt where it feels like you’re just one slip-up away from exposing all your failures in one fell swoop. It was in one of these particular bouts that this poem was written. Four years of feeling inadequate and that there’s some better version of me just a few steps behind, ready to pick up the pieces of my mess. There was comfort in knowing that all these years have passed, all these amazing milestones in my career that I have successfully maneuvered, and I’m still here. No one is coming after me. Lately, I’ve been learning to save some of the applause I keep giving to others, and giving some back to myself.